present moment

Where do I begin to unravel this insane experience that has become my life, my world? It’s almost as though I have today woken to find myself 29 and fast approaching my 30^th birthday, unaware to all that has passed in time and out of season. I’ve been asleep since I was just a small child, emptiness grasped within my tiny hands, wandering aimlessly in search of something that had ruined the humanity of my innocence. And now I am wide awake. The world is stark and bright and filled with such wonder and beauty. My eyes are wide open, embracing all I’ve not seen for so long now. I’m searching for new experiences, new ways to bring me joy and pleasure. I’m planning trips that will be well lived and not just dreamt of. I am reinventing my person, cell by cell, thought by thought. Inch by inch I am unfolding like a flower, layer upon layer of my flesh, scarred and damaged is being shed like a snake, and with each layer that is shed, my beauty becomes more poised, more noticeable and more real to me each day.

 

The darkness I have always carried with me, close to my little heart has somehow now been let go and has floated off into the air like a helium filled balloon. I feel free and alive for the first time in my life and it is not how I thought it would feel. I expected to feel filled with happiness, brimming and overflowing from my pores, but it is not like that…. It is softer and calmer and very present in the moment. I live only today, not for tomorrow, not for what might happen next week. I’m finding the joy in just being still, calm, unnerved.

 

I have finally been able to find that light inside me and pull it up like a blanket over the darkness, extinguishing all self doubt, all thoughts of inadequacy and simply allowing the beauty of love to flow within me and out of me. There are more layers to be shed, so much more work to be done, but right now I am still and perfect in this moment. I am living as an adult and not as a small, fragile child anymore. The difference is astounding, the difference is settling and calming and needs no hurt any more.

perfectly flawed

I would like to go back.

I don’t know whether I would do anything different this time around or not,

but I’d like to go back so perhaps I could find that one moment where

My head took over everything else that was happening in that moment

and transfixed me with the need to ruin this;

to ruin us.

I know there never really was an “us”, but the thought was there.

It lingered like some scaring overfriendly guest

and for a while it was nice.

For a while things seemed as though they

were changing, turning into something calm and peaceful and singular.

When you moved inside me, there was no where else I wanted to be than there

with you, in the sweet, musty warmth of your room.

I learnt so much from you in such a short space of time

and it saddens me to know that I will learn no more.

But I take with me the few words you did speak;

but mostly your actions; those soft kisses that I was unable to turn away from.

The way your hands felt as they touched the fire of my skin

And that one moment where I truly let go and became transparent in the light of you.

 

Things have been different for me now.

I know I should feel something about the way I ended it,

But I don’t.

I needed you to say you were done, so I would be able to move on,

I needed you to distance yourself from me and to be angry with me,

And perhaps dislike me so much you would never want to speak or write to

Me again, and it worked.

You’ve walked away now and I finally feel free from you.

You are free from me.

I miss hearing your voice that was always able to calm me,

and I miss the excitement and pleasure you brought to me

even though it was never going to be permanent…

It was lovely while it was there.

You surprised me everyday with your kindness and your heart;

Your overwhelming lust for life and the way you were able to see beauty, even in the darkest moments, the darkest things.

And this is what I take with me now.

I carry this in my heart,

And I tell myself everyday,

I am beautiful

And the light has now taken over that darkness I used to carry with me everywhere

Like my safety harness.

My excuse.

I’ve begun to find my way, even though the light is still very small,

It grows every day,

And it is now,

In my own light that I finally see

What you saw from the beginning

I see me;

Perfectly flawed and beautiful.

finding pleasure

I joined the local library last night. It was an interesting experience considering I’ve not been in a library since I was in high school and considering my love of books it seems odd that I’ve not joined a library before now. It’s not the best library, it lacks in the good old fiction books, but it has an excellent philosophy section and I picked up this fabulous book called “Eat Mangoes Naked”. It’s all about finding pleasure in life and it’s truly amazing. Written by a perfectionist (something I can relate to) she explains how we can find pleasure in the small things. And how, sometimes, it’s just as pleasurable to do something imperfectly. Especially for a perfectionist!

 

I managed to get half way through before heading off to yoga where I further expanded my body and mind, and for the first time in a long time, I am beginning to feel quite connected within myself. I am enjoying being in the moment and being present with my feelings whether they be pleasurable or painful. I suppose what I am learning to do now is to be in the painful moments, knowing that it has come forward for a reason, and that I can work with the feelings, the emotions, and then release them and it is in the releasing of these feeling which I can find pleasure.

 

 

open

you asked me to open

myself to you

and I did

laid out in the moonlight

you asked me to open myself

to allow myself to be vulnerable to you

and I did

you asked me to open

so you could find that soft place

inside me which I had kept hidden

from the world since I was a

small child

you wanted me to open

myself to you

and I did, with my eyes closed

for as soon as you found

that small soft centre

you drove your sword into me

walked away

and left me bleeding

Welcome to my own private world

I like the anonymity of this whole experience. I like that it will be here where no one knows me. No one understands the background or the reasoning. Instead they will just see the opening of a beautiful flower that was once perhaps so tightly closed it had begun to rot inside itself. How can one change so dramatically, you may wonder. I suppose there comes a time when you are faced with the stark reality that you have a choice to make. You choose now to die. To end it all here, or you choose not to. I thought I was weak for choosing not to end it all, but i know now, that it has been much hard to choose to stay. It’s been much harder to admit that I don’t like myself at all, and that in order to right everything else in my life, this has to be the starting point.

 

So now instead, I am starting to look at the reasons I do not like myself and really, they are all just thoughts. Things that were perhaps muttered to me once, and have stuck, simply because it’s easier to believe the bad things. But the stuff like, you are beautiful, you are loved, you are perfect just as you are seemed so much harder to believe… and now, now that I am beginning to see all of this, I do see. I am beautiful, I am loved and I am perfect just as I am. I need to be nothing more than who I am, and that alone is enough. I was never grateful of the love I have, it always seems so obligatory, but I know now it is not. These people love me because of everything I am, not because of everything I am not, and the people who choose to focus on what I am not, are not worthy of my kind heart anyway.

 

Too much time alone is not good for anyone. I tend to find reasons not to be the beautiful person I am when I am alone. So now I do things I never thought I would ever do, and I love the beauty of the world as I see it is now beginning to unfold before me.