The inner child

Remember when we were young and things were so much simpler, less confused? When disappointment was waking on Christmas day to see it was raining and it mean you’d be locked indoors all day, unable to play with your new skates or your remote control cars? How did we get here? In this world of adulthood where we are faced with bills, responsibility and trying to find and secure ourselves in some sort of relationship. Love.
How do we get back to that childlike innocence where we took the world at face value and made the most of every sun drenched day? Is it possible to become an adult and to still retain some of that wonderful childlike glimpse of the world? I think we can. I think we can still paint the world with beautiful colours. Shades of iridescent yellow and orange as well as the calming, undulating hues of blue and green.
If I make any new years resolutions this year, this will be what I aim to achieve. I would like to paint the world in beautiful colours. I want to find that inner child that has been hidden for so long now. I would like to take opportunity with two hands and grasp to that last reminiscent of child within me. 2009mwill be the year of yes. Taking opportunity with a pinch of salt and instead of placing expectations upon situations which I am unable to control. Knowing that this is who I am and I am perfectly adequate for all situations.

Dating

What is it about dating that freaks me out? You see I am not one for small talk and it seems that small talk is a prerequisite of dating. There is so much anticipation, nervousness and the need to impress. What if he doesn’t like me? What if I don’t like him? Can you leave after one drink? What is the polite number of drinks and small talk you need to make before you can leave? Perhaps this is why I have bailed on two dates in the past two days. Dating freaks me out and yet how can I expect to meet someone without going on a date? I have tried the whole online dating thing before and it seemed that I was meeting fuck wit after fuck wit. Guys who only want sex, and don’t get me wrong, sex is good, I like sex, but in my maturing age I have come realise that empty sex only leads me to feel more inadequate about the person I am than I felt before the sex. Making love, however corny that may sound, is so much more appealing to me than empty sex. I’ve never been able to be the girl that can have a “friends with benefits” relationship and I think that this is because I end up becoming vulnerable in this situation. Vulnerability is perhaps one step above dating that freaks me out.

I want the kisses that take your breath away and the hand holding and the hand in the small of your back as you are lead into a room full of people that makes you feel safe and secure and warm. But how am I supposed to get there when I can’t even let myself go on a date? I have hang ups on men. Sure I’ve had my share of bad relationships but so has everyone else in life, so what makes me so different from the next person? Why is it that when the possibility of a relationship even raises its head slightly that I have to fight every urge in my body not to run? How did I end up getting so damaged that the mere thought of a date can be enough to make me want to run and hide from the world and isolate myself in the smallness of my apartment?

So how do I get over this? How do I tell myself to harden the fuck up and move on with life? Do I just say fuck it??? I don’t care if you hurt me, do not like me or use me for sex, and just go for it? How can I keep myself safe and yet still open to the experience of life, dating and perhaps one day love? I have only ever loved one person in my entire life, and the only reason I could love that person was because he was unable to love me the same way. He was married and although he loved me, although he loved me more than his wife, I knew he would never leave her, and so it was safe for me. It was safe to love and to be loved unconditionally and with all my faults. I never needed to be anything other than myself; all damaged and fucked up in the head and he still loved me. He was the only person who never turned away from me because they did not understand me. He never understood me, and yet he never left me. In the end, it was I who left him. I had the courage to know that there was more to life than being loved in parts and on terms that were out of my control. So if I left him, does this not mean that I want the kind of love that lasts a lifetime? The kind of love that makes you ache inside when you re not with the other person?

I know I am only protecting myself in all of this, but I also know that in protecting myself I have been able to isolate myself from the entire world and all the experiences in it. So how do I stop doing this? How do I remain protected, aloof and yet obtainable? How can I protect my heart and still keep it open for love? I need to get this right. I want to get this right, because as much as I tell myself I don’t need to get married, I don’t need to have children and make a home with someone, a family with someone, I really want to. I want all those things little girls dream of and yet these are the very things I never dreamt of as a child. I never believed in that whole biological clock a ticking…but Christ… I think mine is tick, tick, ticking.

I want to be a better person. I want to be able to let go of control for once in my life and take the dream with both hands and open my mouth wide and scream “YES”, “Yes, I take life for all it has to offer and everything in it.” I want to feel love and see love and to not be constantly afraid of it.

So if anyone out there has any advice or ideas on how I can open my heart and yet remain protected… please, please let me in on the tips.

What I Want

I sit here at 9.40 in the morning and I wonder if love really does exist. Will I ever find myself in that moment when my eyes look up and see him standing there and in that one moment where his eyes meet mine, and I know. I will know that yes, this is it.

I used to believe that there was someone out there for everyone… perhaps this is still true, it’s just a matter of whether you are lucky enough to find them. I want to find mine. I am a hopeless romantic wrapped up in the insecurity of “what if i don’t ever find him”. I tell myself I don’t need to be loved or to love, but it’s really all just bullshit. I want love. The kind of love that lasts a lifetime and doesn’t end up all shitty and broken.

I want to find that person who compliments my every flaw with something amazing. And in turn I compliment their flaws, forming one unique person but still two separate entities.

How I will be seeing in the new year

I had thought of spending NYE partying the night away with friends and booze, and it seemed so appealing to me for a little while. And now I think I will spend NYE chilling out at home, with a few quiet glasses of wine and reflections on the year that was. 2008 was not a bad year, nor was it a good year. It was better than 2007 and 1000 times better than 2006. I gave up on life in 2006 and it has taken me 2 years to regain some sort of normalcy to my life. Even now, I still have moments of uncertainty, moments where life overwhelms me and the thought of failure causes my body to stiffen and my lungs to contract and I find it hard to breathe. But 2008 has been a year of both growth and small set backs. 2008 was the year I lost a good friend to suicide, and the year I thought I had perhaps fallen in love. The kind of love that you think will survive anything, but I was childish to believe in something that was not there.

I had thought I would make resolutions for 2009, and I will, to myself. I have a dream. A dream that has been within my heart since I was such a small child. A dream of a villa, on a vineyard in Tuscany, and I am making this dream finally come true. I am turning 30 and my life still has moments that are jaded but I am beginning to truly understand the beauty that is me. I will always be a little confused, a little unsure. But that is what makes me unique. It is all those little Idiosyncrasies that make me different and wonderful. The fact that I like to be surrounded by my own things in order to feel complete. I have never thought of myself as beautiful, but I am. I see beauty in parts of myself which I never thought I would see beauty within.

So 2009 for me, will be a year of blossoming into this small womb of womanhood I have now become. 2009 will be the year of no expectations and the year I finally be kind to myself. That’s all I can ask for.

and then he was gone

And then he was gone…
The only reminder is the soft breeze that moves the
Hair from my face.
No more whispers
No undulating movements,
No hands to touch.
Gone.

He was like a beautiful day,
When the skies are blue
And the air smells like the ocean.
When you close your eyes and
And honestly believe anything might be possible.

And then he was gone….

The 58’s of 2008

o1]Have you dated someone this year? Yes
o2]Have you been out of the country? No
o3]Have you stayed up all night? Yes
o4]Have you lost someone close to you? Yes
o5]Have you purchased something over $500? Yes
o6]Have you celebrated your birthday? Yes
o7]Have you been to a concert? No
o8]Have you ridden in a limo? No
o9]Have you gotten drunk? Of course… actually often.
1o]Have you bought a new dog? No
11]Have you gone skinny dipping? No
12]Have you graduated high school? No
13]Have you seen a good movie? Yes – P.S. I Love You
14]Have you laughed so hard you cried? Yes
15]Have you gotten a job? Yes
16]Have you been fired? No
17]Have you ditched someone? Yes
18]Have you been grounded? No
19]Have you slepped all day? No
2o]Have you made a movie? No
21]Have you gotten good grades? Not in school
22]Have you failed a school year? No
23]Have you done something REALLY embarrassing? Yes
24]Have you made new friends since ‘o7? Yes
25]Have you changed? Yes, but there is more to be done.
27]Have you witnessed a death? No
28]Have you cried all night? Yes
29]Have you played in the snow? No
3o]Have you been in an ambulance? No
31]Have you ate something you hate? No
32]Have you licked a metal pole? No
33]Have you hooked up with someone? Yes
34]Have you bought a new bike? No
35]Have you gone camping? No
36]Have you taken hard drugs? No
37]Have you fallen in love? I thought I may have but I was mistaken… I will in 2009…he’s close!
38]Have you gone skiing/snow boarding? No
39]Have you played Monopoly? No
4o]Have you been in a police car? No
41]Have you swam in the ocean? Yes
42]Have you forgotten someones name? Unfortunately Yes
43]Have you locked your keys in your car? No
44]Have you gotten gum stuck in your hair? No
45]Have you kissed someone new? Yes
46]Have you cried over a boy? YES!
49]Have you done something crazy? Yes
5o]Have you killed an animal? No
51]Have you moved houses? Yes
52]Have you gone to yoga? Yes
53]Have you tanned? Yes (spray style!)
54]Have you baked a cake? Yes
55]Have you been to the principals office? No
56]Have you painted a picture? Does drawing count?
57]Have you run away from home? No, but I’ve wanted to.
58]Have you had a good year? The first half was good, the second half not so good.

I’ll find a way to get to you

This has become a dream from which I do not want to wake.
He has come to me while I sleep…
Arriving on the soft whisper of the breeze
And it’s got nothing to do with geography
He is a dream, soft and gentle
And I feel like home
Here in this moment,
So far away from the touch of his hands.

But I will find a way
To cross the mountains, and valleys
And shores
To get to him.

I’ve become nestled in a moment where
Anything seems possible,
Even the impossibility
Of distance.

I hear his voice
Soft through my window,
And I knew right away
That if he was here
There would be no turning away.
I have lent myself to this music,
Soft and instrumental
Starting the new beginning of me.

I’m not going to live for you
Or die for you
But I am not going turn away from you
If I ever find a way to get to you.
To get to you.

My brother and our non existant relationship

I don’t remember when we stopped being brother and sister. And I can’t remember the last time we actually had a conversation without one or the other trying to hurt the other. I don’t remember the last time we embraced each other out of love rather than because it was what makes our parents happy, to remain in their deluded abyss of happiness that we actually can get along. But we don’t. We don’t get along and it is just the way things are. There is no explanation it’s just the way things are.
We have nothing in common, our personalities polar opposites, our beliefs so distant. Perhaps I should make more of an effort, but all you do it pick. You pike and poke at the wounds you made in childhood until I snap, and I always snap. I always bite. It’s just the way I am. So perhaps I should surrender the fantasy that we will ever be close and just accept you with all your faults and hope you are able to respect mine as well.
There is just that thought, that niggling feeling that if I have been able to survive so long without you in my life, do I really need you in it now? You left when I was 19 but the distance had been prevalent since we were pre-teens. The relationship has not been tight since we were at least 9 or so. And I wonder how long I can keep letting you in just a small bit and you fucking that trust up. It seems every time I let you into my life just a small bit you abuse it.
It’s Christmas and the distance always seems so vast at this time of the year. It was this time two years ago you hit me again. Not as bad as the first, but the scars where reopened and I can not forget. I can not let go of your arrogance, your self righteousness. You are my brother and yet I do not like the person you are. I assume it must be the same for you with me. You do not like the person I am and although you are willing to accept that, perhaps I survive better by not having you in my life.

I’m Angry

Perhaps angry is not the right word…I’m ambivalent.  The wonderful online world of facebook seems to get me in more trouble than it seems worth.  My sister in law was on my friend list, and I was actually unsure as to add her or not given the fact that my brother and I had never really had a strong relationship, or a relationship at all really. But against my better judgement, I accepted her friend request. It then appeared that my status updates and action was being filtered from her to my brother and back to my parents. Regular stuff didn’t bother me, but when I recently joined a group from Bi and Lesbian girls well the news travelled so fast to my parents you couldn’t even blink. Now my view is this would probably be a sort of personal thing, and perhaps my fault for joining, but what right does my brother have to report this back to my parents. Would you think that perhaps this might be something I would want to discuss with them when I was ready? Well apparently not. He wonders why I tell no one I have a brother, and this is yet another example. Maybe I am taking all too personally, but it really pissed me off.

So I removed her from my friend list. Best way to stop it seemed to cut off the source of the information. However, she didn’t seem to take it so well. I received a lovely email from her full of quotations…ah the elephants never forget! I can’t even be bothered anymore. 

Broken Down

Everything is broken down and I feel amplified
Against the backdrop of this empty canvas.
I used to paint the world in colours
And dance wild between the flames of life’s own fire.
Being broken is not being crazy,
Mad or insane
It’s you or me, empty inside our own minds.

My canvas lies silent in the corner of my room,
Beckoning to me with soft murmurs
“paint me”.
And yet I stare at it with haste,
Distaste.
Picking up that brush means I have moved
On.
Past the moment of self destruction,
Past the thoughts screaming inside my own
Head.

Everything has been broken down
Since you left me here;
Every thought
Every kiss
Every moment you moved inside me.