Can’t Stop Thinking About Her

How would you feel if she was gone?
Gone.
Gone.
Yeah, you would be torn and broken inside
And I know
Because I feel worn down
By my love for you.
And I do everything to please you
And yet I watch you from the sidelines
And I can not listen to your constant
Pining.
Why can’t you see that she is not for you
And I,
I
Can’t stop wishing it was me that you
Thought about at night
When she has left you silent
Alone in your own dreams,
And she is so damn pretty
But she is not me,
And she does not deserve the
Likes of your soul,
But you can’t stop thinking
About her.

Running

Suck the blood from my open veins
Go fast, faster and faster.
You will miss me when I am no longer
Walking through your dreams.
You are not enough for me.
You sacrificed my soul and I gave it to
You while I was looking for a good time.
You were the one that
Would show your love with
Your fist.

I’m running a million miles away
I’m running fast, faster, faster
You will miss me when I am no longer
Walking through your dreams.

I hang myself from the ceiling
To feel the air escape my lungs
and I should
Have been feeling this all along.
I feel what I am… silent
Airless, black in my own embodiment.

I’m running a million miles away
I’m running fast, faster, faster
You will miss me when I am no longer
Walking through your dreams.

I was just looking for a good time
And look at what I had to endure,
But what I am supposed to do…
The epitome of self abuse.
I’m lost inside my mind
And you are the love I need feel.
I’m not the one for you,

Let me be
Let me go
Set me free
I’m taking back my life
My soul
The bruises you used to show your affection for me.

I’m running a million miles away
I’m running fast, faster, faster
You will miss me when I am no longer
Walking through your dreams.

wanted you

You were to me like cigarettes to wine
And you took my hand and the other world
Ceased to exist when it came to you
And I dreamed of a world where we could co-exist.
I want you.
You
No one else is you

You were able to see right through my mind
And I was not able to see the cards you would
Play were me.
You sacrificed me on alter of your desire.
And still I wanted you.

The words you spat at me in the aftermath
Of falling from great heights
Were venomous but every one was true.
And still I wanted you.

You simplified my life into just words and syllables
Of a childish game
Hide and seek.
You told me to pack my things and run
Run, run, run.
And still I wanted you.

Needs no title

If I asked to be taken in to the light is it odd that when you leave I should be left in the darkness of an abyss where I can not get you out of my head? If I allowed my self to become transparent in the light of you does that now make me invisible that you are no longer near me? If I have lost my ability to shine without another; what does that make of me? I am lost and I can not breathe and I wanted you to explain yourself to me.

I lie listless and naked upon the bed and I am afraid and I can no longer breathe without you beside me. And I had put too much hope in such impossibility.

If I write one thousand words of love for you will you ever come back to me? And all I have is the memories I can not get out of my head. I can no longer smell you upon my skin. And my hands lie empty without yours to take them in the lead. There is too much time that has passed me by while I waited for your call….but I never hear you call to me.

I lie listless and naked upon the bed and I am afraid and I can no longer breathe without you beside me. And I had put too much hope in such impossibility.

There is nothing left of what we used to be. There is only damage and ruin left here in this space as you are not with me and your life goes on without me. And I had put too much time into this for it to now be a lie. This is so over and yet I am not free. The thoughts of you are running through my mind and I can not sleep.

I lie listless and naked upon the bed and I am afraid and I can no longer breathe without you beside me. And I had put too much hope in such impossibility.

Random thoughts

I wonder if perhaps I have become too guarded over time. Especially given what has transpired in my life over the past few months. Although I now feel completely different about that person, time does indeed heal all wounds, I take with me the lesson from the situation which appears to have been trust no one! I feel as though I have taken a key to my exterior and locked the doors to keep me safe inside. I know that building walls does not really keep anyone out, but instead locks me in, so I wonder if it is actually possible to have walls and still allow some things to penetrate the exterior.

I question whether I actually want to find love, or have love wash over me, or even allow love into my world as I seem to be best when I am alone, when I no longer feel the need to conform to another persons expectations. When I am alone, unattached, I am truly myself. I have not the need to impress anyone else, nor do I feel the overwhelming desire to be wanted and needed or to run away from something that will potentially hurt me. I know that is no way to live my life, and that there must be a time when I am able to look at another person and say, you know what, this is me, this who I am all perfectly flawed and perplexed, take it or leave it. I hope there will be time when I am able to remain aloof and to be comfortable with the person that I am that it will not matter to me if someone does not want me.

Right now, I have someone chasing me, and I am not interested. It is safer and warmer within my own cocoon. I am only now just starting to mend myself from the recent damage that has been done, that I have allowed to be done, and I’m not ready to let another person in. He keeps emailing me asking me to call him, and yet I won’t. I have no desire to talk to him, to make small talk… it is the one thing I hate, small talk. I loath the uncomfortableness of small talk, the awkwardness of taking a relationship to a new level and instigating sort of intimacy when really, I don’t want anything at all. Mind you, he is well aware of how I feel, I am at least honest. If nothing else, I am that. And yet still he persists.

I feel suspended in time, and although I’ve vowed to myself that I will no longer make plans, or place expectations upon situations and experiences, I feel as though everything that happens now, in the next five and a half months of my life is preparing me for some bigger adventure in Italy. Perhaps it is not even Italy; perhaps it is simply turning 30 that will prepare me for bigger adventures. I am far too old to still be acting like a child, but I wonder how it is I am supposed to grow up when I’m not sure how I got to be broken in the first place. How is it that you become completely comfortable with who it is you are and not worry about what other people think of you?

I think my problem is that I tell myself I do not want to be loved, cherished, adored, but deep down it is the very thing I crave.