My brother and our non existant relationship

I don’t remember when we stopped being brother and sister. And I can’t remember the last time we actually had a conversation without one or the other trying to hurt the other. I don’t remember the last time we embraced each other out of love rather than because it was what makes our parents happy, to remain in their deluded abyss of happiness that we actually can get along. But we don’t. We don’t get along and it is just the way things are. There is no explanation it’s just the way things are.
We have nothing in common, our personalities polar opposites, our beliefs so distant. Perhaps I should make more of an effort, but all you do it pick. You pike and poke at the wounds you made in childhood until I snap, and I always snap. I always bite. It’s just the way I am. So perhaps I should surrender the fantasy that we will ever be close and just accept you with all your faults and hope you are able to respect mine as well.
There is just that thought, that niggling feeling that if I have been able to survive so long without you in my life, do I really need you in it now? You left when I was 19 but the distance had been prevalent since we were pre-teens. The relationship has not been tight since we were at least 9 or so. And I wonder how long I can keep letting you in just a small bit and you fucking that trust up. It seems every time I let you into my life just a small bit you abuse it.
It’s Christmas and the distance always seems so vast at this time of the year. It was this time two years ago you hit me again. Not as bad as the first, but the scars where reopened and I can not forget. I can not let go of your arrogance, your self righteousness. You are my brother and yet I do not like the person you are. I assume it must be the same for you with me. You do not like the person I am and although you are willing to accept that, perhaps I survive better by not having you in my life.