You are currently browsing the daily archive for December 28th, 2008.
I sit here at 9.40 in the morning and I wonder if love really does exist. Will I ever find myself in that moment when my eyes look up and see him standing there and in that one moment where his eyes meet mine, and I know. I will know that yes, this is it.
I used to believe that there was someone out there for everyone… perhaps this is still true, it’s just a matter of whether you are lucky enough to find them. I want to find mine. I am a hopeless romantic wrapped up in the insecurity of “what if i don’t ever find him”. I tell myself I don’t need to be loved or to love, but it’s really all just bullshit. I want love. The kind of love that lasts a lifetime and doesn’t end up all shitty and broken.
I want to find that person who compliments my every flaw with something amazing. And in turn I compliment their flaws, forming one unique person but still two separate entities.
I had thought of spending NYE partying the night away with friends and booze, and it seemed so appealing to me for a little while. And now I think I will spend NYE chilling out at home, with a few quiet glasses of wine and reflections on the year that was. 2008 was not a bad year, nor was it a good year. It was better than 2007 and 1000 times better than 2006. I gave up on life in 2006 and it has taken me 2 years to regain some sort of normalcy to my life. Even now, I still have moments of uncertainty, moments where life overwhelms me and the thought of failure causes my body to stiffen and my lungs to contract and I find it hard to breathe. But 2008 has been a year of both growth and small set backs. 2008 was the year I lost a good friend to suicide, and the year I thought I had perhaps fallen in love. The kind of love that you think will survive anything, but I was childish to believe in something that was not there.
I had thought I would make resolutions for 2009, and I will, to myself. I have a dream. A dream that has been within my heart since I was such a small child. A dream of a villa, on a vineyard in Tuscany, and I am making this dream finally come true. I am turning 30 and my life still has moments that are jaded but I am beginning to truly understand the beauty that is me. I will always be a little confused, a little unsure. But that is what makes me unique. It is all those little Idiosyncrasies that make me different and wonderful. The fact that I like to be surrounded by my own things in order to feel complete. I have never thought of myself as beautiful, but I am. I see beauty in parts of myself which I never thought I would see beauty within.
So 2009 for me, will be a year of blossoming into this small womb of womanhood I have now become. 2009 will be the year of no expectations and the year I finally be kind to myself. That’s all I can ask for.
