I have often pondered the reason for my existence. Last night, was yet another sleepless night where I suddenly realised I can no longer remember what it felt like to kiss the last person I thought I may have been in love with. It was an odd experience. I couldn’t remember the way he smelt, the exact blue of his eyes or the way his lips felt when the touched mine. It was the most freeing and yet saddening feeling. I should not feel sad, I should be happy. I should be thankful that now, finally, nothing reminds me of him, and yet, I felt saddened by the realisation that I can no longer remember. So I sat, on my balcony, smoking a cigarette (which has become a very naughty past time of mine which I am I am stopping again now) thinking who am I? Who is this person who can no longer remember what it felt like to be kissed, really kissed? And I came to the following conclusions:

 

  1. I am 5’4” and curvaceous
  2. I have light brown hair and hazel eyes that sometimes turn a shade of green when I cry.
  3. I am cute. I am not beautiful, pretty or stunning. I am simply cute.
  4. I love to write and it has become the only place where I am truly honest.
  5. I have terrible self esteem and I panic.
  6. I like to think I am able to control everything, but am slowly realising this is not the case.
  7. I used to believe I could change people….you know, those shitty boyfriends, but the truth is, you can’t. The world has room for diversity; even the shitty boyfriends have their place.
  8. I have only been in love once in my life, and it’s not enough.
  9. I will tend to find a reason why a relationship can not work, as a way of subconsciously running away from it.  
  10. I will also tend to be awful to men who like me so that when they leave, I can blame myself for not being good enough. If I were good enough they would have stayed.
  11. I am a terrible sister, aunty, sister-in-law and daughter and wish I were better at it.
  12. I love first kisses, the excitement, the unknown, the electricity…. I don’t like familiar kisses.
  13. I can turn away from people very easily.
  14. I am a fabulous cook, and find solace in being able to create something that brings pleasure to others.
  15. I have idiosyncrasies which borderline on OCD, and I secretly hope someone will find them sweet and endearing one day.
  16. One week ago, I turned into that girl… I found myself thinking about a wedding I will probably never have.
  17. I have the ability to be unnervingly kind and generous, but can also be very cruel.
  18. If you hurt me, I do not forgive easily.
  19. My heart is fragile and is able to be taken far too easily.
  20. I want the dream.