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There comes a time in your life when you’re done. Done with all the relationship games, the dating, the flirting, the waiting three days to call. A time when you are done with the one night stands, because, well, because you want something more. They tell you about the biological clock, but you never really think that this will happen to you. I was never the girl who wanted a white wedding, the home and the children, but a month out from my thirtieth birthday, it has happened. They don’t warn you that it is like waking up and starting a completely new life. A life where you want the normalcy and familiar touch of a person whom you see everyday. They don’t tell you that the all night drinking binges and one night stands seem now appear so clichéd and boring, and instead, being woken at 5.00am by your own child, is something priceless and the one thing you want most in this world.
So now that I have woken to find myself in this new life, a life where my 20-something life of booze and sex and the city seems to nearly be over, how do I feel? I thought I would feel scared, frightened even. But I don’t. I feel empowered and for the first time in my life certain about the person I am and the sort of life I want to live and have now. I feel, for the first time ever, like a woman, and no longer like a little girl. So I am owning it. I am owning the feeling that I am ready for all these things. The man, the husband, the home and the family. I am open to falling in love, and to being loved. I am ready.
So it wasn’t really going to matter if I was ready for him to leave, because it appears, he was just another lying shit really. It’s been a week now since we last spoke, a week since the “colonoscopy”, I am wondering now if there was even a colonoscopy to be had, or if it was just part of his elaborate plan in the ride he would take me on. He had told me where he worked, and yet, at the six day mark without a word, I called, and apparently there is no one working there with his name, nor that of his “secretary”, whose name he had given me in passing. So what can I make of this other than the fact that he is a lying shit? I can’t. I can’t make anything of it other than the blinding stark reality that is, he is a lying shit. Was I foolish to believe that someone would want to do all the things he was doing for me? It appears I was. And although I have been, yet again, made an incredible fool of, I take solace in the fact that it happened now, only a few weeks in rather than a few months in. I take solace in the fact that I have wonderful friends and a trip to Italy in less than a month. I wonder why there is still a part of me that wants to believe something terrible has happened to him and he simply can’t get in touch, and yet, that part, that small little child inside of me that has gripped tightly to the thought that there was a wonderful person finally on the scene, can’t remove the fact that even if something terrible has happened… he still lied about where he worked. If there is a lie this early in, how many other lies are yet to come? So I have to move on. I have to package up the thoughts of the little child within me and put it all up on a shelf of things I am not equipped to deal with right now.
It is over before it began, and yet, I am proud of myself. I am proud that I have not taken the blame. I have not blamed myself for not being good enough, pretty enough or simply just not enough. I have not panicked. I have not harmed. I have done nothing, but wait and been a little bit disappointed. Is this a turning point in my life? A turning point in my behaviour in the way I deal with disappointment? I think it is. I have been proud that I have had to deal with this along with everything else that is happening to and with my brother, and I have been able to do so without alcohol and without harming. This is one massive positive that I take from the situation. I was committed, I was myself and I know that that was more than enough. I feel some sort of freedom within myself that needs not the judgement of anything or anyone else.
I feel so lost at the moment and there is nothing I can do about it. I can’t control what is happening and there is nothing I can do to ease my anxiety and fear. There had been this special person come into my life a few weeks ago, and it seems he has disappeared. What was simply supposed to be a standard colonoscopy three days ago with him telling me he would phone me afterwards to let me know how it went, has resulted in no calls, no emails, no text messages and his phone has been off since Friday. To say I am worried is an understatement. The weekend saw me one step away from ringing hospitals in the area to see if he had been admitted. I’m sick with worry about him, and I fear something terrible has happened, and I don’t want the last thought of him to be of him telling me he had put me in his will and I get his two best pot-plants… it was a joke at the time, and now it is all I can think of. I don’t want that to be the last memory I have of him, it’s simply not fair.
On another note, I have been made aware that my brother, well he’s a drug addict. We (his family) thought he had given this away over ten years ago, but apparently, he never stopped, it was just something he and his partner chose to keep from us. He went on a two day binge and ended up having a drug induced schizophrenic episode resulting in the pushing and shoving of his partner, an escapade on the roof of their two story house where he was trying to access the kids’ room through the window, he fell. Although I have to say she was lucky, he didn’t hit her, I know her fear only too well. I have been to at the forefront of two of these episodes, and yet I was not lucky enough to escape with merely some pushing and shoving, I coped the full blown effects of the episode and was almost hit to the point of unconsciousness. His recent episode was met with the usual “I remember nothing from the previous evenings events.” This was exactly how he acted when it was I on the end of his fist. At the time, I thought he was lying. I thought it was simply an excuse he used to justify his actions, and yet, it appears that perhaps he doesn’t remember. Perhaps his prolonged use of drugs has really affected his brain causing drug induced schizophrenia. If the effects of drug induced schizophrenia are the same as a person who normally suffers schizophrenia, it is possible that whilst in this state of crazed anger, his other personality has indeed taken over, and therefore it would be more than probable that he remembers nothing.
My concern is how this will affect his habit. There are two possible outcomes. The first being he could simply realise the effect his addiction has had on his life and his family, he has now lost his partner and his children, and chose to recover. He can choose to be an adult and grow up and get sober. The alternative is that he spirals further down into the abyss of addiction. Going back onto harder drugs such as heroin which has happened in the past when things got too much.
This year was supposed to be a better one for me. It was supposed to be my year. The year I turned 30, the year I went to Italy and the year I met my husband. But most of all it was the beginning of a year in where I had actually started to re-establish a relationship with my brother. We had made some serious progress. We were talking. We were phoning each other, and it seems that once again, I have been disappointed by him and for him. I know I have to keep progressing with our relationship. I know I can not walk away from him now, as it was this weekend when I realised, he is my brother, my family, and I love him. I just don’t know if I can say this to him, if he needs to hear it or even wants to hear it.
And then there is end of a relationship which had not even really begun yet. It was the first time a man has told me he is committed to me, and the first time I did not run away from him. It was the first time I was able to say the same back to someone and actually mean it. it was the first time I wanted to try, it was the first time, in my entire life that I have wanted to let someone in. Is this the Gods karma working back on me? Is this their way of telling me I had run away from too many other men, other possibilities? Is it possible that they placed this man, this perfect man, before me just to tease me? To give me a glimpse of everything I had ever wanted and then only let me experience it for such a brief time as punishment for all the horrible things I have done in my life? Am I still being punished? If I could say anything to him, it would be, don’t go. I’m not ready for him to go yet.
I feel some relief to know that he has now started a relationship with someone who is not me, and it is not because those thoughts still linger somewhere in my mind, because the truth is, you bruised my heart beyond belief and I am not sure that I could ever go back to how things began.
I read the first email you ever sent to me, and I see it all so clearly now. I see your haste, hesitance and loss in those words you tried so hard to mask. I was fragile, small and weak and you knew those words that I needed to hear and I was your instrument that you would continually play.
If I look back on the whole event now, I can see it all so clearly, your disappearance, from my life and the slow backwards steps you took in order not to awaken my suspicion. You were running when you knew I had fallen and you found so many ways to back away from me, and yet to pull me further towards you.
So now I say farewell to you and I know that I was wrong to have ever wanted this to be more than it could ever be. It was all in my mind. The love you somewhat held for me was instead just a small dream eclipsing my view of the sun.
Goodbye Jody, yours will not be the last lips I ever kiss. Your hands will not be the last to ever hold mine and it is no longer the smell of your dark musty room that I crave. I was always hidden in the darkness and now I want to shine and I deserve to shine brighter than you would have ever given me credit for. For all I ever got from you was this broken heart,
On your wings,
I wrote my name,
Etched the letters with the end of my sword;
And now, where ever you sore
You see me right there; right there upon your
Wings,
The letters of my name
I etched into your skin.
On your wings,
You take me far away,
Far from the blackness, the danger
That used to encompass me.
And now when I think of you
I think of flying,
And the days now don’t seem
So never ending.
On your wings,
I wrote my name.
On your wings,
You take me away.
On your wings.
On your wings.
I’m jet setting away for the weekend, quite an extravagant first date if you ask me, but I have been told there are phrases I am not allowed to utter over the weekend; 1. “That’s too expensive.” 2. “You can’t keep paying for everything.” and, 3. “Are you really going to spend that much money on that?” it is so strange for me to have met someone who treats money as nothing special, and who enjoys spending it on others. In relationships it has usually been me who has ended up having to pay for everything and now the tables are turned if I stop to think about it I find it very hard to fathom the expense he is going to just for me, but when I am relaxed and not thinking about it, it’s really quite great. We spoke on the phone last night, which we do every night until he is here in Sydney, and our conversation moved into the realm of children, which is something that would normally scare the pants off me, but last night, it didn’t. I also mentioned that my girlfriend would finally be home in Australia just in time for her 30th birthday in May and I have been invited to her birthday party, he asked if he would be getting an invite to which I told him on my invite it said partners and children welcome… he said great then I will be there. Does this mean he is my partner? I wonder, and yet I don’t find myself pondering over the possibility and talking myself out of the idea. This is so not me, and it feels increasingly like someone I had always wanted to be. I feel as though, when I don’t over analyse every situation that I can perhaps actually do this; be in a relationship, let some one in, be in love.
I didn’t expect this to happen now. I didn’t expect anything would happen until Italy, and yet, even though that had been my childhood dream, perhaps it was just that, a dream. There hasn’t been fireworks, amazing lust or anything like that, it has been really soft and gentle and feels like something that could be good. Like I said, it’s strange to find myself here and not actually wanting to sabotage the potential relationship. We seem to fit so well together and yet are different enough for there to be a possibility that it could actually work.
I have been accused in the past of pulling the seedlings out of the ground before they actually had time to grow, and although at the time I had refused to admit this were true, it actually was. It was so true and now is the first time in my life that I actually feel ready to endeavour upon something resembling a relationship. I like the freedom it brings, the freedom admitting and declaring you are ready brings and I know this time I will not freak out, I will not run away, because, right now, there doesn’t seem to be anything frightening enough to make me want to run.
Something quite amazing has happened to me… well, I should say, someone quite amazing has happened to me. It’s funny, but as the old saying goes, when you are not looking for it, it happens and although not much has really happened yet, he is truly amazing. I’ve never before been treated this way by a man, and his kindness and generosity is beyond any words I can muster, they simply would not convey what he has done for me in the past week.
Give me the night,
The black, velvet skies
Where you call to me.
Give me the night,
The coolness of a summer breeze
Upon my naked flesh.
Give me the night,
Where here in the dark
I dream of you.
Here in the dark,
There is no one to make me go or stay,
And everything falls into place.
I am alone, standing tall but now ready
For more.
I never wanted a man to take
Me down the alter of
Commitment,
Drawing me into the night
With no hesitation,
But here in the night,
There is no other place
I would want to be.
Give me the night,
The softness of your lips
And remembrance
Of forever.
