So long for a little while

The time is drawing nearer and nearer to making one of my dreams come true. I will leave Australia in two days to discover the wonderful country of Italy. Though this is something that many people have done before me, and something many will continue to do long after I am gone, I can not refuse to let go of the strings that have been drawing me to this country all my life. There is something mysterious and yet so familiar about Italy that calls me. I have dreamt of Tuscany since I was five years old. It was the one recurring dream that did not leave me wrecked with pain, sadness and fear. It has been the salvation through many moments of aloneness. Knowing I would always come here was something of a comfort to me. Perhaps it is “he” who calls me here to dance. Perhaps it is the closeness to a God that I never believed in. Perhaps it is simply my escape. Whatever it is, there will be lessons and experiences I will take with me for the rest of my life from this adventure. I go not with the expectation of finding my “one” (regardless of the lingering thought). I go with my eyes open, my mind open and my heart open to the possibility of falling in love with a country that has called me all my days.

 

I turned 30 yesterday. It was the first day of the rest of my life. The life I have so desperately wanted and yet never felt worthy of. This life I will be living is going to be filled with love, family, happiness and wealth. I don’t mean wealth in the sense of money, I mean the kind of wealth that can not be bought; the wealth that is derived from the love of family, friends and the small feet of children. I no longer accept what is not my worth. I welcome love and happiness and remove the need for drama and high highs and the low lows that have defined my person for so long. My life will make me proud and I will not sacrifice myself for the idea of something I think should be a certain way. It has taken me so long to get to a point where I can look at myself and truly love and appreciate the person who looks back at me in the mirror. The girl who is funny and smart and yet naive and vulnerable. It has taken 30 years to appreciate I am perfectly flawed and that perhaps, perhaps I really need someone to take care of me. I’d like someone to take care of me and whom I can in turn take care of.

 

So, this is it now. The last post I will make for a while. I am off to explore the new woman I have become in a completely foreign country that has called my name for so long. I am off now to make my own dreams come true, for the only thing that can stop a dream, is my own thoughts.

Nothing more; nothing less

I have taken to watching him from a distance. His air of arrogance, his confidence all wrapped up within the cotton threads of his expensive suits. He is gorgeous, and he is something I will always see from a distance, men like him don’t go after girls like me. He embodies the “man” I have always longed for and yet the man that my hands had always missed. He is smart and suave and has these eyes that pierce my skin when he looks at me. My friends tell me I should ask him out for a drink after work, but I won’t. He’s not the sort of man you ask for a drink after work. There is something old school and gentlemanly about him which makes me think he does the asking, and yet his standards mean he will never ask a girl he works with out for a drink.

 

If today was the one day I have no regrets. If today was the day where I could say anything without consequence or rebuttal what would I say to him? I would tell him that his eyes say more than he’ll ever know. That it’s terribly romanticised and cliqued, but he disarms me in an instant and his eyes remove all my amour and sends those walls crashing when he looks into my eyes. That he knows, I’m not as tough or as confident as I seem. I would tell him that he is the sort of man my hands would like to hold. That is all. Nothing more; nothing less.