Finding yourself

I had all these thoughts in my head. Ideas about how I would react if I ever saw you again. Standing beneath the shelter of my big blue umbrella, cigarette in hand, scarf wrapped tightly around my neck trying to shield myself from the crispness of the winter’s chill. Waiting for the lights to change so I can move closer to the warmth of the bus, and then I look up and you are there. not even twenty feet away, on the opposite side of the road, and my first instinct sees a smile creep across my face, and it is then I realise. In that one moment I have two choices. I can acknowledge you there, for I know you have not yet seen me. I can acknowledge you and dive somewhere beneath the murky waters of reason. I can acknowledge your presence and let myself slip back into a world that knows no love nor forgiveness, or I can not. I chose the later. I pull the umbrella down until it is touching the top on my head, shielding my face from the world, and I let you walk unknowingly past me.

 

Silence has erupted inside my head. I thought this moment would bring with it the voices of reason, the voices of recklessness all talking at once. And yet there is nothing. Not a word, not a sound. Even the streets of the city seem silent, still and it is then I know. I know what it is I want and don’t want anymore. I realise then that it’s my dream I want, not someone else’s. You can’t understand how gratifying it is to find yourself here.

Thoughts

I have become calm

Methodical-

Calculated

in my approach to love.

No longer diving

head first upon the edge of reason.

I have grown older

no longer flowery in my

summer youth-

wishing-

hoping-

praying

for the words to remain silent,

un-mouthed

Upon my lips.

I though,

Have still not learnt

the art of

silence.

And my words now

dance around

the atmosphere,

Lost.

Anchored somewhere near your ears,

and I want to

take them back.

Back inside my head

to where they were just thoughts-

Trapped-

Contemplating

Their own

Existence.