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Twenty one is young. Incredibly young actually and this was the first time I travelled to New York. It was more of a family holiday to see relatives that were living there at the time. But I was suburbanised in my youth. I grew up in the leafy suburbs of the Hills district and never ventured into the city as a teenager. I worked in the suburbs and my life was (if not for the fact that I was still a child) a suburban house wife’s wet dream. So to me, New York was this big, concrete city of scary subways and dark unsavoury streets. It scared me to be so close to so many people, scared and claustrophobic the euphoric emptiness of central park became my haven. It was here I could breath.
At twenty one you can not appreciate the opportunity of such a city. The wonderful museums and galleries, the bars and sophisticated women who have perfected the art of strutting down 5th Avenue in stilettos you would kill for and still managing not to break into a sweat or roll an ankle. At twenty one you can’t imagine how much talent that takes. At twenty one I was unworldly, plain and obtuse. At thirty, I am blossoming into this small womb of womanhood where Jimmy Choos are an art in themselves and Saks Fifth Ave is not just a department store, and as such Manhattan has become my new plan. Whilst I have visited the hustle and bustle of NYC before, it has been ten years since and I am older and more mature now. I feel I have gained some wondrous insight into the single woman in New York City. Perhaps it is the fact that I have re-watched the entire six seasons of Sex and the City over the past few months and it is now, armed with these fabulous and strong women’s insights into the world at large that I feel ready to venture into the big unknown.
I have remained ambivalent to love; always assuming I had plenty of time. Time to be picky, time to waste years trying to turn the bad boys good and time to waste spending years loving someone who would never love me enough to be with only me – I had all the time in the world to let him find me happy and come back to rip it all apart and shit all over my dreams, time and time again. And now, well now it is Manhattan that has become my dream. I want to spend my life planning wonderful trips where I can be bowled over with love for something which is so different from my usual environment that I am forced to live life rather than to sit back and assume I have all the time in the world for these things.
I want to be one of those fabulously independent women who needs no man to fulfil her lust for life. I want to stamp my stiletto clad foot upon Fifth Avenue with my head held high. I will have a sense of self assurance which has come with my new found womanhood. Love is something to be cherished should it find me rather than something I am seeking through the need of it.
Dreams are now of a tangible life. I am an adult and there is no longer any time for the childish fantasies of my youth.
My boss, the Deputy CEO, has been overseas for the past 9 days. Her absence from the office has become my blessing, and although now, with the end of the year fast approaching, this will be one of her final trips away for any length of time. When is away I am free. Free to manage my workload, my hours of work (albeit it is never less than the required 7.5 hours per day) and I am free to get on with my business without interruption or criticism from her Holiness. Over the past year and a half I have come to attach many terms of endearment upon her, from Satan, the her Holiness, to God.
Describing her is easy. Dealing with her is not as easy. She is the Deputy CEO of a member/education body. Her perception of her importance is placed somewhere between CEO of Macquarie Bank and the Prime Minister of Australia. An example of her far from accurate assumption of her own importance follows in our exchange regarding an up coming trip to New Zealand which has been requested by our CEO.
Me: Unfortunately there are only two flight options for the required travel date. The first departs Sydney at 8.30am and arrives in Wellington at 2.00pm. The second departs Sydney at 6.05pm and arrives in at midnight. I would assume you would much prefer the earlier flight given you will have an 8.30am meeting the following day?
Satan: I don’t want to take either flight and I’m certainly not fucking getting into Wellington at midnight.
Me: So I can assume I will book you onto the 8.30am then?
Satan: 8 fucking 30am?! This will mean I have to be at the airport at 6.30am. I will have to get out of bed early! Isn’t there something else? Are you sure you have checked everything??
Me: Yes I am certain these are the only two flights; both myself and the CEO’s PA have triple checked prior to sending out the travel requests to everyone.
Satan: Well I’m not getting up at the crack of fucking dawn, this is ridiculous!!
Me: Well, I could phone Qantas and double check with them, however, I don’t actually think they will charter a private jet just for you…. Even though I know you are incredibly important.
Satan: (Extended silence and blank stare whilst this comment registers.) There is no need to be cheeky.
Me: Well I don’t actually understand what else you want me to do? The fact is there are only two flights. Now if this were me, I would much prefer to arrive at 2.00pm knowing that I could at least nap on the plane and then have a rest in the afternoon prior to going for a leisurely dinner. Then you can have a good night’s sleep before the two day meeting, but then, that is just me.
Satan: Well I want some compassion.
Me: Well isn’t that actually part of your job?
Satan: Fine book me on the 8.30am flight.
This is only one of the many childish banters I am required to deal with. Normally, these sorts of things don’t get to me, I have never been backwards in coming forwards, and I think this is what she actually likes about me. But today, today has been different. I am feeling so under valued in my role. I am her Personal Assistant. I get paid to type and answer her phone, make appoints. I do not get paid to write Board papers, implement regulation changes and invite competitor members into membership of our organisation by drafting, and re drafting letter after letter until it meets with her holiness’ approval. I think with the amount of changes she made over and over again to each draft letter I typed she could have saved us both a lot of time and trouble by simply dictating exactly what she wanted from the beginning fabulous little invention called the Dictaphone. It is these exact things which drive me up the wall. Drive me crazy and cause me undue stress and aches in my neck and back from being tense all day.
Most of the time I feel she is just wasting my time and delegating her entire role off to as many people as possible in order to make as much time in her diary for her dentist, acupuncture, reflexology, chiropractic and coffee appointments which of course are all attended to during her working day. I am in the office by 7.30am each morning and don’t leave until 5.00pm, I have no idea what a lunch break actually is, because the book I bring to work to read at my desk whilst I eat my lunch never gets read as this is not a deterrent to her constant whining and ordering around.
She is like that nursery rhyme… “When she is good she is very, very good and when she is bad she is horrid.” There are days when she is great to work with. When she is almost human and caring and is easy going, and yet at 45 she has not learnt that when something goes wrong at home it is where it should stay. Her assistants become her torture board where she executes all her frustrations and anger and it’s not fair. I stay because there are two other people I work for and I love their work. I love the challenge of it and the trust they have for me. But to Satan I am a thorn in her side and some days I am her pin cushion of voodoo anger.
So the question is when is it time to move on? Do is wallow my pride and sop being precious and just accept that her selfishness and attitude are part of her make up and make the most of it, or do I put the feelers out there?
Age :: 30
Current location :: office
Eye colour :: brown
Hair colour :: brown
Right, lefty or ambidextrous? :: righty,
Zodiac sign? :: Aries
Height? :: 165cm
Describe …
Your heritage/nationality :: Australian
Your hair :: always perfect
Your fears :: far too many and sometimes not justified
Your perfect house :: an old villa on a working farm/vineyard in Italy or France
What is/are …
Words you overuse :: Fuck, odd, seriously
Phrases you overuse :: Oh for fucks sake!! Are you serious???
Your first thought when you wake up :: Please let me have at least another hour before the alarm
Your greatest accomplishment :: Surviving depression and self harm
Something you want to do :: Get married and have a family.
This or that?
Pepsi or Coke :: Coke
Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera :: Neither thanks… I’m more of a Janis Joplin type gal
Chocolate or vanilla :: chocolate
Adidas or Nike :: Adidas
Black or white :: Black
Notes or Coins :: notes
Burgers or hot dogs :: Burgers
Egypt or France :: France
Rock or rap :: rock
Do you …
Smoke :: Sometimes
Cuss :: Yes, too often
Sing well :: Completely out of tune!
Sing in the shower :: No
Talk to yourself :: A lot
Believe in yourself :: sometimes
Play an instrument :: not any more, used to play guitar
Want to go to college? :: No
Want to get married? :: Yes
Want to have children? :: Yes
Get along with your parents :: Yes
Get along with your siblings? :: Not always, but more so now (I’m trying)
In the past month have you …
Travelled out of town :: No
Drank alcohol :: Yes
Smoked :: Yes
Been on stage :: No
Gone skinny dipping :: No
Dyed your hair :: Yes – but I do this every 6 weeks.
Stolen anything :: No
Last time you cried :: I don’t remember
Last movie seen :: The Women
Last movie rented :: The Women
Last book read :: I’m currently reading “Girls in Trucks”
Last word you said :: Home
Last time you laughed :: about 10 minutes ago
Last phone call :: from my mum
Last CD played :: Lazy Sunday’s Compilation
Last song you listened to :: Whatever was on my ipod this morning
Last person you hugged :: Jules
Last time you wore a skirt :: I am wearing a dress today
Sarcastic? :: Me?? NO??? Yes actually often.
Last time you wished upon a star :: I don’t remember
Spent quality time alone :: Sunday
How many languages do you speak? :: English and very basic Italian
Ever been so hungry you felt like you could eat the person next to you? :Often yes.
I thought about you last night. Between fitful tosses and turns in my somewhat empty bed, I thought of you. It has been the first time in such a long time that you have walked across my mind. Perhaps it was because it was the day of the Melbourne Cup… because I remembered you piggy backing me across the car park at the race course so the gravel wouldn’t get into my strappy high heels and hurt my feet. We were brazen and did not care that day. Did not care about the many eyes that were watching our every move, waiting for us to falter and concede that yes, we were actually together. We were actually having an affair. A man and a girl, someone young enough to be his daughter but on that day, we didn’t care.
It has been three years now since our lips last touched one another’s. Three years since all the lying and frustration and pain that was our whirlwind affair. It has been three years since we talked of our children and how loved they would be. It has been three years since I walked out and did the only honourable thing. The one thing you could not do. You vowed you would never walk away from me, and you never did. But you left me so many times and each time my heart broke a little more.
Our love blossomed in the silent, captive confines of my small car. Far too small for love making, and yet somehow we managed. Our love grew abundant in the soft ambiance of hotel rooms where we remained nameless and faceless. I was like your only doll, and I was small and fragile in your large calloused hands. Three years on and I can still remember the way you smell. And I can still see myself lying on my side in a bed, watching your lips form your words, this was one of my many happy pastimes with you. Watching your lips form words and speak to me as if I were the only thing in the world that mattered to you.
I wonder why, in the darkness you are still able to make me feel this longing. The complete and unharnessed support of being loved by you has left me ruined for love. for it seems that the moment we met, we knew. We knew the other would change our lives for ever and that there would be no going back to how things once were in our lives. Pandora’s box had been opened the moment you shook my hand and our lives forever transformed what was it in my voice that day that made you need to know me? I still wonder how it was that you could love me so completely. So scarred and damaged at the hands of another man. You collected each and every small piece that remained of me and was somehow able to piece me back together. Occasionally, I would fall to pieces again and lash out at you with ragged fingernails, scratching at you like you too would hurt me. Perhaps in some ways you did hurt me, but it was in a good way. It was not in a way that would damage me, you hurt me in a way that would only make me stronger.
I never realised it would take 30 years for me to be ready to have a relationship. I mean I guess I had never really thought about it before. Maybe I just assumed it would happen. But now, as my 31st birthday grows nearer and nearer I wonder now that if perhaps I have missed the boat?
I know that I am not “old” but I also know that if I want to have a family, children of my own, then I am going to need to start sooner rather than later. When I was younger, the idea of marriage and family horrified me. I told myself and anyone else who would listen that I wanted nothing to do with either of these things and in turn I suppose I actually started to believe it. It was a coping mechanism for me. To deny myself of anything good and wholesome and pure because for some odd reason i never really thought I deserved to have these things. Perhaps I was just so frightened that I would never have these things that I tried to talk myself out of them for fear of rejection. And so now at 30, I’m ready. I am done with all the game playing, the flings, the one night stands and the men who are not good enough for me. I am done with all of this and am ready to settle down…the only problem is the lack of male companionship.
I’m trying to put myself out there again, which is very hard considering what happened last time…. I thought he was the one, I thought I was done with all the dating etc…. but it died. So now, I have to look at this as something new. New and exciting and I have to have my expectations higher than before. I have to understand my worth and although I am not entirely certain of what it is I want…. I am most definitely sure of what it is I no longer want. I guess that is a start!
I’m not a person who can let things go easily. I often wonder what is was that I did wrong, or what it was that was wrong with me. Why a relationship ended. I regret things. I find myself spending hours in my own world. Lost in private transcripts in my mind…. most of these happen on the bus. I will see someone who looks like he did and then there I am, talking to you in my head again. It’s been nearly twelve months now and yet your memory is still there. Some things have changed…. I can’t remember the exact shade of blue of your eyes or the distinct gravely sound of your voice…. but other things remain. I can still smell you. Sometimes I smell you in places you’ve never before entered. Places in my world that were never a part of yours, and yet you are there, like some scaring over friendly guest I’ve brought to bed…. and as I write that I realise it is only a play on words… there has been no one since you. It has been my year of celibacy… eight days and counting…. But I wear you upon my skin in other ways. You scarred more than my heart. I wear your memory in the scars upon my arms and legs, and every time I see the raised pale flesh i think of you and all I was not. Everything I could not be.
And today, in the silence, I remember you. I remember the first time you touched my face and how I thought I had found my home. I remember the first time your lips touched mine and you breathed me into your world like some soft scented flower. Allowing me to open my petals in the light of you like a new morning, a new day. But like all things that are living, one day they must die…. and so did we. We died…. over the phone in the echo of the small telephone room at my work. You broke my heart in the darkness… and it was there I lived…. in the darkness…. away from the attention for others, until now. My year of celibacy nearing. The year in which I had to get it all together…. the year that was to be my own, with no one else to scar me…. and now begins something new. Something magnificent.
I sit here at 9.40 in the morning and I wonder if love really does exist. Will I ever find myself in that moment when my eyes look up and see him standing there and in that one moment where his eyes meet mine, and I know. I will know that yes, this is it.
I used to believe that there was someone out there for everyone… perhaps this is still true, it’s just a matter of whether you are lucky enough to find them. I want to find mine. I am a hopeless romantic wrapped up in the insecurity of “what if i don’t ever find him”. I tell myself I don’t need to be loved or to love, but it’s really all just bullshit. I want love. The kind of love that lasts a lifetime and doesn’t end up all shitty and broken.
I want to find that person who compliments my every flaw with something amazing. And in turn I compliment their flaws, forming one unique person but still two separate entities.
I had thought of spending NYE partying the night away with friends and booze, and it seemed so appealing to me for a little while. And now I think I will spend NYE chilling out at home, with a few quiet glasses of wine and reflections on the year that was. 2008 was not a bad year, nor was it a good year. It was better than 2007 and 1000 times better than 2006. I gave up on life in 2006 and it has taken me 2 years to regain some sort of normalcy to my life. Even now, I still have moments of uncertainty, moments where life overwhelms me and the thought of failure causes my body to stiffen and my lungs to contract and I find it hard to breathe. But 2008 has been a year of both growth and small set backs. 2008 was the year I lost a good friend to suicide, and the year I thought I had perhaps fallen in love. The kind of love that you think will survive anything, but I was childish to believe in something that was not there.
I had thought I would make resolutions for 2009, and I will, to myself. I have a dream. A dream that has been within my heart since I was such a small child. A dream of a villa, on a vineyard in Tuscany, and I am making this dream finally come true. I am turning 30 and my life still has moments that are jaded but I am beginning to truly understand the beauty that is me. I will always be a little confused, a little unsure. But that is what makes me unique. It is all those little Idiosyncrasies that make me different and wonderful. The fact that I like to be surrounded by my own things in order to feel complete. I have never thought of myself as beautiful, but I am. I see beauty in parts of myself which I never thought I would see beauty within.
So 2009 for me, will be a year of blossoming into this small womb of womanhood I have now become. 2009 will be the year of no expectations and the year I finally be kind to myself. That’s all I can ask for.
And then he was gone…
The only reminder is the soft breeze that moves the
Hair from my face.
No more whispers
No undulating movements,
No hands to touch.
Gone.
He was like a beautiful day,
When the skies are blue
And the air smells like the ocean.
When you close your eyes and
And honestly believe anything might be possible.
And then he was gone….
o1]Have you dated someone this year? Yes
o2]Have you been out of the country? No
o3]Have you stayed up all night? Yes
o4]Have you lost someone close to you? Yes
o5]Have you purchased something over $500? Yes
o6]Have you celebrated your birthday? Yes
o7]Have you been to a concert? No
o8]Have you ridden in a limo? No
o9]Have you gotten drunk? Of course… actually often.
1o]Have you bought a new dog? No
11]Have you gone skinny dipping? No
12]Have you graduated high school? No
13]Have you seen a good movie? Yes – P.S. I Love You
14]Have you laughed so hard you cried? Yes
15]Have you gotten a job? Yes
16]Have you been fired? No
17]Have you ditched someone? Yes
18]Have you been grounded? No
19]Have you slepped all day? No
2o]Have you made a movie? No
21]Have you gotten good grades? Not in school
22]Have you failed a school year? No
23]Have you done something REALLY embarrassing? Yes
24]Have you made new friends since ‘o7? Yes
25]Have you changed? Yes, but there is more to be done.
27]Have you witnessed a death? No
28]Have you cried all night? Yes
29]Have you played in the snow? No
3o]Have you been in an ambulance? No
31]Have you ate something you hate? No
32]Have you licked a metal pole? No
33]Have you hooked up with someone? Yes
34]Have you bought a new bike? No
35]Have you gone camping? No
36]Have you taken hard drugs? No
37]Have you fallen in love? I thought I may have but I was mistaken… I will in 2009…he’s close!
38]Have you gone skiing/snow boarding? No
39]Have you played Monopoly? No
4o]Have you been in a police car? No
41]Have you swam in the ocean? Yes
42]Have you forgotten someones name? Unfortunately Yes
43]Have you locked your keys in your car? No
44]Have you gotten gum stuck in your hair? No
45]Have you kissed someone new? Yes
46]Have you cried over a boy? YES!
49]Have you done something crazy? Yes
5o]Have you killed an animal? No
51]Have you moved houses? Yes
52]Have you gone to yoga? Yes
53]Have you tanned? Yes (spray style!)
54]Have you baked a cake? Yes
55]Have you been to the principals office? No
56]Have you painted a picture? Does drawing count?
57]Have you run away from home? No, but I’ve wanted to.
58]Have you had a good year? The first half was good, the second half not so good.
