You are currently browsing the tag archive for the 'random' tag.
As Italy draws nearer and nearer, I find my life falling somewhat short of fabulous. I feel stuck, suspended in time, and I wonder if it is not this place, here in Australia that does not suit my life anymore or my life which does not suit Australia. I have a wonderful, yet somewhat unfulfilled job. It’s easy. I don’t have any stress at work, it does not challenge me, and yet, it suits me. I like that I am able to come to work and not worry about everything that needs doing today. It’s simple, and simple is what I need. But I still feel suspended. I am neither moving forwards or backwards and I need something more.
I never believed in a woman’s biological clock before… until it happened to me that is. I never thought it would. I never thought I would one day wake up and decide that now would be the perfect time to get married and to start a family but it has. I woke up one morning to the realisation that my life is incomplete and that I want all those ordinary things that make your life extraordinary… The problem is, I don’t even have a boyfriend, how can one get married and commence the life of couplesome when you have not the other part of the couple?
I wonder if I am disapointed to have become a woman, and I think not. I thought perhaps I might remain a little girl for the rest of my life, but it appears I have grown up. I’ve built myself a wonderful life, and I am filling it with the love of ones self and family, and it seems that it is now ready to be shared with another. And whilst the thought of actually sharing all of this, all of me, with another human being was the scariest thought that had ever entered my mind… now it seems to be the one thing I want most of all. I want something stable and familiar and wonderful.
I thought this would never happen, not whilst my life was such a mess anyway. I never thought that softly, slowly I would change. I would shed all those layers and be somewhat naked and raw and ready to begin again. And yet being able to begin at 30 seems exactly what I need. I am no longer a small fragile little girl caught up in women’s clothing, instead they now seem to fit, and I am a woman who is no longer wanting to remain small and fragile. So it finally happened, and all I can feel is wonderful.
There is a reason I do not date. There is also a reason I do not meet friends of the person I am not dating. But on Saturday night I broke both of these rules in one foul swoop and I clearly paid the price. It was drinks for his birthday, and I was invited on Tuesday night. I declined, I mean the thought of meeting all the friends as well as him in one go was simply too much pressure for me (he was an online dating site find…need I say more?) over the next few days he kept asking me to come, telling me it would be a real fun night and that they are all really laid back and cool people. I still managed to hold my ground and remain in control. Saturday night came and the text messages started, inviting me to join them as it simply wasn’t going to be as fun without me there. After the sixth message by 9.00pm I gave in, thinking what else did I have to lose? I was at home, alone on a Saturday night, perhaps, perhaps I might even have a good time. So I agreed to meet them at the pub. At 9.00pm, I jumped in the shower. I washed my hair and even shaved my legs. I did my hair and put on a dress and became that girl who gives a shit about the first impression…. I needn’t have bothered really.
Now if I were a guy, I’d have told the girl to call me when she arrived so I could come out and walk her inside to introduce her to my friends, but then, I’m not a guy, I am the girl and what seems polite and common sense to us, does not always seem to occur to the men. He simply sent me a message saying look for a big group in the beer garden. So when I arrived, i wandered over to their table. There was no standing up and grabbing me a chair, instead it was a “This is everyone, get yourself a chair and sit down.” Clearly, I was the only sober person at the table bar the lovely man I was sitting next to, who I later found out was Ben. The “date” completely ignored me. So there I was, sipping on my wine feeling a little like a shag on a rock, wishing I could shrivel up and be blown away into the wind. Ben, out of courtesy, began talking to me. He asked me if this was the first date. And I replied, “I don’t date, but if I did, then yes I think this would be the first date, although, it appears it is clearly not as I’m being completely ignored.” He agreed and so the two of us began chatting. He was a nice guy.
The person who was sitting next to my “date” got up to get some more drinks and it was then I was summonsed over to sit next to him. The only conversation he made to me was to “drink up” to which I replied, “I drove here”. This was met with some distaste, and he decided it was time for shots, Jaeger Bombs, to which I declined. He seems to be the type of person who keeps harping on and on about something until you give in, but I was not giving in on the shots business. I was driving, and I would stay for two drinks and leave. I was now sitting next to his other mate called Matt, who was at least making an effort to talk to me, even if he was completely drunk and asking me the same thing over and over, because he kept forgetting. At least he was making an effort. I thought I was home free when last drinks were called, but they all decided to head to another pub, which was really close to where I lived. I was going to sneak away when Ben said, just come along, you can leave at any time. So I said I would drop my car home and walk up. Ben, Matt and my “date” would come in my car and then we would walk up together.
We all piled into the car and I started it. Matt was impressed with my choice of radio station and asked me to hit the CD button to see if I was some sort of secret “Beyonce” fan. They were even more surprised to see my CD player revealed Ben Harper. I was singing along when the “date” spoke up…. “Do you have a wet one for Ben Harper.” The question did not even warrant an answer so I kept on driving and Ben from the back piped up, “you don’t have to say every thought that pops into your tiny brain.” I parked and we got out of the car and commenced the walk to the pub. When we arrived, there was a band playing and it was some 80s band, pretty cool tunes, but we walked straight through to the outdoor area so they could all smoke. When we were sitting around he looks at me and says “Just say it.” “Say what I ask?” “That you are interested in someone else.” I look at him perplexed, “someone else?” I ask. “Yeah someone inside.” I look at him and shake my head, “Seriously, we walked straight through the inside and out here, I didn’t even have time to look at another person let alone get interested in one.” I replied. So by now I am thinking this guy is a wee bit odd. Then he asks the world’s worst question ever, “Can I kiss you?” Seriously, what do you say to that? Any man that has to ask you if they can kiss you has issues. Just do it. Just go for it an kiss her already. I look at Ben, and ask him if he is single and he nods. “Ben, I am about to give you the best tip ever… Never, never ask a girl if you can kiss her, just go for it.” he smiles and laughs. The date is still waiting for an answer, but I will not give one, instead he tries to kiss me and I pull away. This angers him.
The night goes on and on with more rude comments from the “date”, but at the end of the evening we are sitting around, and he is standing next to me, when he turns to his girlfriend and says, “So should I ditch this girl?” I am right there. Sitting right next to him, fully aware of what he has just asked her. I spin around and tell him how rude he is. I tell him if he doesn’t know and needs to ask someone then its pretty clear he should “ditch” me. However, given the amount of rude comments I’ve endured all evening, you don’t need to make a decision, because I’ve already decided to ditch you. He looks at me bewildered and Ben and matt have these shocked looks on their faces. I turn to them both and apologise for making them feel uncomfortable as this was not my intention, I will finish my smoke and I am leaving. Matt tells me not to leave and instead to go out with he and Ben. I thank him for the offer, but there is no chance, I’m going home. The “date” gets the shits and leaves. I am sitting there thinking I have just been on the worst date of my life, thinking it possibly could not get any worse. But it does.
I get up to leave and as I am walking out the “date” walks back in. He grabs me all apologetic, “Can’t we sit and talk? Sort things out? I never meant to upset you, you’re great, and a lovely girl and I think I may have fucked everything up.” I look at him and nod. We sit down and he starts spilling his guts about everything he wants. Children, a wife, and how he plans to move to Coffs Harbour in a year, and if I want to hang around for that I can. I look at him and I shake my head. I tell him I have no plans of moving to Coffs Harbour, and that perhaps he needs to stop focussing on the future so much and looking for the girl who is going to fit in with his plans and instead just be in the now and take things as they come. He starts yelling at me. I can’t even make sense of what he is saying, apart from the part where he refers to me as a “fucking bitch”. I put my glass of wine down. Stand up and spin on my heel and walk out. I walk as fast as I can. I can hear him calling my name out. I start to almost run, in order to make some distance between us. He was too drunk to keep up and he drops back. He opts for the easy way, and decides to call me. I don’t answer. I don’t answer the nine consecutive calls he makes to me on the walk home.
I get home, still flabbergasted at the turnout of the evening. I can hear my phone ringing again inside. I wash my face, turn my phone to silent and hop into bed.
The morning greets me with a hangover from hell. Not only did I have the worst ever date of my life, but I have a headache which resembles numerous ice picks stabbing through my eyes. I pick up my phone and investigate the fifteen missed calls from the “date”. I think, seriously? I didn’t answer the fourteen other times he called, why would he think I would answer the fifteenth time at 3.45am?? I turn the phone back onto to ringing in case someone of importance needs to contact me and roll back over and close my eyes again. I wake again at 11.30am to a message from the “date”, it reads “Are we talking?” I do nothing for a while. I drag myself out of bed and get something to drink and some tablets for the ice pick head ache. I drink some juice and pray I will be able to hold it down. A shower, a shower will make me feel better, and yet I could not even bring myself to stand there, so with the beauty of having my shower over the bath, I sat under the running water, letting it wash all the filth and disrespect from the night before away. I get out and dress. I pick up the phone and type a message back; “I did my hair and put on a dress for you and you were incredibly rude to me. I deserve better than that, so no, we’re not talking.” He sends back a message saying “OK, I’m sorry if I was, I don’t remember.”
I think what a cop out. If you are going to drink yourself into an arrogant ass of a man, at least have the balls to admit what you’ve done the following day. Acting as if you don’t remember is a cop out and cowardly. I grab some suitable hang over food and chill out for a bit. I doze on and off and finally, by 3.30pm I am feeling almost human. I log on to my computer to check my emails, but mostly to delete the “date” from my Facebook page. I delete him from my messenger list as I see he is online, but he sends me a message anyway. “Hi?” I shake my head, is this guy seriously this stupid? Four hours ago I tell him we are not speaking, and yet here he is still trying. I simply send back ?. He comes back apologising again. I tell him it’s not alright, I tell him he was a fuck wit. He was so rude to the point he actually called me a fucking bitch, which is why I walked out. I tell him it was the worst date of my life. He apologises again and says he does not understand why he would have said such a thing considering he does not think of me that way. Then, the best part…. He sends me his address and says I’m about to watch a move, come over. I say no thanks and log off.
Seriously! Seriously, this is why I do not date!
You never realise what it is you’ve let go until you find yourself in a moment remembering how it once was between the two of you. I was on the bus coming home this afternoon and the lady next to me kept receiving text messages, and she would read them and smile. I was curious, so I read them out of the corner of my eye, and her replies, and I realised then that she was having a dirty sms conversation with someone. I found myself smiling, remembering the beginning of a relationship when everything was fresh and new and each new day would bring a new discovery, and I realised it has been so long since I felt that rush of excitement. That feeling of butterflies in your stomach. And as I watched her reply, she seemed to linger so long before hitting the send button, like she was reading over the message time and time again to see if she had said too much or not enough. It was such a beautiful thing to witness. Fresh love, lust, the desire, the wanton disregard of where she was when she typed in wet, wet, wet into her mobile phone.
I felt like an intruder in her secret love life. A watcher and she was a doer. But I had never noticed how wonderful it is to see someone so filled with hope and admiration for a situation or another human being. To enable yourself to be so wrapped up in another person that just the thought of them makes you smile. It was the most beautiful thing I have seen in so long, and I missed it. I missed the way your heart skips a beat when you see you’ve received a message from them, the way you hit open so fast and you always have to read the message a second time, well, because the first time you were just so damn excited to have heard from them. I miss love. I miss wanting someone else, and I miss the way it feels to be so safe inside the soft cocoon that encompasses you both that the outside world ceases to exist.
But for the first time, I saw it in all its beauty and wonder rather than jealousy and detest for something I did not have myself. To see another person that happy, made something inside me yearn for something more, something better, and it was my amazing gift for the day.
Do you remember the part in the Wizard of Oz, right at the end when Dorothy realises that there is no place like home? That profound moment when she declares that she needn’t go off to some far away land looking for something that she already had… when she realises she doesn’t need to look any further than her own backyard? Do you remember that? I had forgotten this. All my life I have been looking everywhere else for love. I expected love would be this massive, overwhelming experience and that I would know straight from the start that this was love. But perhaps love doesn’t need to be this way. Perhaps love is something that is much softer and more familiar. I’ve looked for someone to take me away from everything that has taken place in my life, and I wanted to go somewhere far, far away from everything that I believed to be shackle me here. But the truth is… it isn’t go to be any better or more wonderful elsewhere than it is for me right here.
I am loved by so many people, and yes, perhaps there is not one man who loves me, but I’ve come to realise that unless I can love all the things about me, no one else is going to be able to. So, sometimes I do run away. Sometimes I freak out, but that is just who I am. And I no longer need to see this as a negative, I no longer need to force things that are un natural because if it needs to be forced then it isn’t love, nor will it ever be love.
I think perhaps I have allowed myself to fall in love with the idea of love. With the idea that there is someone who wants to love only me, and yet in doing this, I’ve jaded myself from the true meaning of love. Love does not walk away because you’ve changed your mind or you’ve decided to focus on the things you need to do here before you take some massive leap of faith. I’ve been accused of cutting the flowers before they’ve grown, and perhaps I have, but love, love has to begin with yourself first. If I can not learn to let my own love grow here, surrounded and loved by things and people who are familiar to me, it will be wasted. The scenery, no matter how far away will have been the only thing that would have changed. I would have still ran.
My new years resolution to be kinder to myself is working. I’m beginning to feel something I don’t ever think I’ve felt for myself in my entire life; respect. I have begun to respect the person I am, and I’ve been able to do this on my own. i did not need to run away from everything in my life here to do it, and I think if I had of, I would have still been the same. I would not have changed anything.
Love will find me, when it is ready and when I am ready and I have this feeling that it isn’t going to be this overwhelming thunderbolt of lust… because that is what makes me run. It’s just going to happen and it is going to happen so softly, I won’t even notice, until, one day, one day when I wake up and realise that I never needed to look any further than my own backyard.
Is it possible to ever really have meaningless sex? Doesn’t sex always mean something to one of the parties partaking in the actual sex? You see… I have has sex with someone and not wanted to have sex with them but I have had sex with them because I could, because it gave me the power in the situation or simply to make myself feel empty and worthless afterwards. And then there has been times when I have really wanted to have sex with the other party and they’ve just had sex with me to use me, or because they simply could. But there always seems to be one party who wants more or something different to the other party. So I pose the question; is it really possible for two people to have complete, unattached sex without it ending badly, or with one party getting hurt?
There is this person, who very much would like to have sex with me. And this person is someone I would very much want to have sex with, but he has just come out of a relationship and doesn’t really want another girlfriend. He’s been honest with me, that should count for something right? But I fear I actually do like him, and if I do like him, then the possibility of me liking him more will grow with time and hence there will come a point in time when I will want more than just sex, possibly after the first time… so do I hold myself true and not give in to his wants and desires, and yet punish myself from what could be excellent sex in order to protect myself from getting hurt? Or, do I have sex with him, and then if it is good, and I want more, then stop before I can get hurt? I mean what if the sex is bad, I’ve not lost anything really.
I wish I was able to be more like a man when it came to sex. I wish I was the type of person who could have meaningless sex with another person because I simply could. Without hating myself afterwards and without wanting more, without the hang-ups and without hoping, praying he wants something more as well. Without having to think that I can change them into wanting me if I have more sex with them… but I’m not. I’m not that person and so I should save my heart now.
Remember when we were young and things were so much simpler, less confused? When disappointment was waking on Christmas day to see it was raining and it mean you’d be locked indoors all day, unable to play with your new skates or your remote control cars? How did we get here? In this world of adulthood where we are faced with bills, responsibility and trying to find and secure ourselves in some sort of relationship. Love.
How do we get back to that childlike innocence where we took the world at face value and made the most of every sun drenched day? Is it possible to become an adult and to still retain some of that wonderful childlike glimpse of the world? I think we can. I think we can still paint the world with beautiful colours. Shades of iridescent yellow and orange as well as the calming, undulating hues of blue and green.
If I make any new years resolutions this year, this will be what I aim to achieve. I would like to paint the world in beautiful colours. I want to find that inner child that has been hidden for so long now. I would like to take opportunity with two hands and grasp to that last reminiscent of child within me. 2009mwill be the year of yes. Taking opportunity with a pinch of salt and instead of placing expectations upon situations which I am unable to control. Knowing that this is who I am and I am perfectly adequate for all situations.
I had thought of spending NYE partying the night away with friends and booze, and it seemed so appealing to me for a little while. And now I think I will spend NYE chilling out at home, with a few quiet glasses of wine and reflections on the year that was. 2008 was not a bad year, nor was it a good year. It was better than 2007 and 1000 times better than 2006. I gave up on life in 2006 and it has taken me 2 years to regain some sort of normalcy to my life. Even now, I still have moments of uncertainty, moments where life overwhelms me and the thought of failure causes my body to stiffen and my lungs to contract and I find it hard to breathe. But 2008 has been a year of both growth and small set backs. 2008 was the year I lost a good friend to suicide, and the year I thought I had perhaps fallen in love. The kind of love that you think will survive anything, but I was childish to believe in something that was not there.
I had thought I would make resolutions for 2009, and I will, to myself. I have a dream. A dream that has been within my heart since I was such a small child. A dream of a villa, on a vineyard in Tuscany, and I am making this dream finally come true. I am turning 30 and my life still has moments that are jaded but I am beginning to truly understand the beauty that is me. I will always be a little confused, a little unsure. But that is what makes me unique. It is all those little Idiosyncrasies that make me different and wonderful. The fact that I like to be surrounded by my own things in order to feel complete. I have never thought of myself as beautiful, but I am. I see beauty in parts of myself which I never thought I would see beauty within.
So 2009 for me, will be a year of blossoming into this small womb of womanhood I have now become. 2009 will be the year of no expectations and the year I finally be kind to myself. That’s all I can ask for.
o1]Have you dated someone this year? Yes
o2]Have you been out of the country? No
o3]Have you stayed up all night? Yes
o4]Have you lost someone close to you? Yes
o5]Have you purchased something over $500? Yes
o6]Have you celebrated your birthday? Yes
o7]Have you been to a concert? No
o8]Have you ridden in a limo? No
o9]Have you gotten drunk? Of course… actually often.
1o]Have you bought a new dog? No
11]Have you gone skinny dipping? No
12]Have you graduated high school? No
13]Have you seen a good movie? Yes – P.S. I Love You
14]Have you laughed so hard you cried? Yes
15]Have you gotten a job? Yes
16]Have you been fired? No
17]Have you ditched someone? Yes
18]Have you been grounded? No
19]Have you slepped all day? No
2o]Have you made a movie? No
21]Have you gotten good grades? Not in school
22]Have you failed a school year? No
23]Have you done something REALLY embarrassing? Yes
24]Have you made new friends since ‘o7? Yes
25]Have you changed? Yes, but there is more to be done.
27]Have you witnessed a death? No
28]Have you cried all night? Yes
29]Have you played in the snow? No
3o]Have you been in an ambulance? No
31]Have you ate something you hate? No
32]Have you licked a metal pole? No
33]Have you hooked up with someone? Yes
34]Have you bought a new bike? No
35]Have you gone camping? No
36]Have you taken hard drugs? No
37]Have you fallen in love? I thought I may have but I was mistaken… I will in 2009…he’s close!
38]Have you gone skiing/snow boarding? No
39]Have you played Monopoly? No
4o]Have you been in a police car? No
41]Have you swam in the ocean? Yes
42]Have you forgotten someones name? Unfortunately Yes
43]Have you locked your keys in your car? No
44]Have you gotten gum stuck in your hair? No
45]Have you kissed someone new? Yes
46]Have you cried over a boy? YES!
49]Have you done something crazy? Yes
5o]Have you killed an animal? No
51]Have you moved houses? Yes
52]Have you gone to yoga? Yes
53]Have you tanned? Yes (spray style!)
54]Have you baked a cake? Yes
55]Have you been to the principals office? No
56]Have you painted a picture? Does drawing count?
57]Have you run away from home? No, but I’ve wanted to.
58]Have you had a good year? The first half was good, the second half not so good.
If I really believed that we would be extraordinary together rather than ordinary apart then I would not be standing still. I would not be drawing lines in the sand. Big freaking lines that show where I am and where you will always be, on the other side. Away from me. looking at me from the sidelines of my life. If I truly believed, then I would not be looking for something else to wake me up from what feels like one thousand years of sleep. If I truly believed then I would flinch when you touch my face, my hands would not wander further from your reach. If I truly believed I would say yes when you asked me to spend my life with you. And yet I falter, I stumble. I turn my back and I start to walk until my legs break into a run.
I wonder if perhaps I have become too guarded over time. Especially given what has transpired in my life over the past few months. Although I now feel completely different about that person, time does indeed heal all wounds, I take with me the lesson from the situation which appears to have been trust no one! I feel as though I have taken a key to my exterior and locked the doors to keep me safe inside. I know that building walls does not really keep anyone out, but instead locks me in, so I wonder if it is actually possible to have walls and still allow some things to penetrate the exterior.
I question whether I actually want to find love, or have love wash over me, or even allow love into my world as I seem to be best when I am alone, when I no longer feel the need to conform to another persons expectations. When I am alone, unattached, I am truly myself. I have not the need to impress anyone else, nor do I feel the overwhelming desire to be wanted and needed or to run away from something that will potentially hurt me. I know that is no way to live my life, and that there must be a time when I am able to look at another person and say, you know what, this is me, this who I am all perfectly flawed and perplexed, take it or leave it. I hope there will be time when I am able to remain aloof and to be comfortable with the person that I am that it will not matter to me if someone does not want me.
Right now, I have someone chasing me, and I am not interested. It is safer and warmer within my own cocoon. I am only now just starting to mend myself from the recent damage that has been done, that I have allowed to be done, and I’m not ready to let another person in. He keeps emailing me asking me to call him, and yet I won’t. I have no desire to talk to him, to make small talk… it is the one thing I hate, small talk. I loath the uncomfortableness of small talk, the awkwardness of taking a relationship to a new level and instigating sort of intimacy when really, I don’t want anything at all. Mind you, he is well aware of how I feel, I am at least honest. If nothing else, I am that. And yet still he persists.
I feel suspended in time, and although I’ve vowed to myself that I will no longer make plans, or place expectations upon situations and experiences, I feel as though everything that happens now, in the next five and a half months of my life is preparing me for some bigger adventure in Italy. Perhaps it is not even Italy; perhaps it is simply turning 30 that will prepare me for bigger adventures. I am far too old to still be acting like a child, but I wonder how it is I am supposed to grow up when I’m not sure how I got to be broken in the first place. How is it that you become completely comfortable with who it is you are and not worry about what other people think of you?
I think my problem is that I tell myself I do not want to be loved, cherished, adored, but deep down it is the very thing I crave.
